I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
Look for a rainbow connection.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
Would you like to share fire with me?
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
This is snow laughing matter!
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
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