What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
I love you from my head tomato
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
Case in punt
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Go to BabaMail
