Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
Here's to a big opening weekend.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
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