A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!

"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!

No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!

Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown

Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.

My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.

What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.

"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis

What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.

Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!

- Denise Rodgers

Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?

Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.

Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.

What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).

Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!

I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!

What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!

Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.

What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.

What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.

I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.

Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!

Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.

If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'

You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.

What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.

What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.

Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?

What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.

Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.

As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”

Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.

A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."

What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!

You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.

What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.

I have bean thinking about you.

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered

“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno

Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.

“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White

What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!

Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.

Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!