This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”

"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."

- Andy Warhol

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

“Dachshund Through the Snow.”

You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.

What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!

What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!

When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!

What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.

What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!

What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.

“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres

French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.

I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout

My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.

So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.

What did the evaporating raindrop say?

I’m going to pieces.

What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”

- Nora Ephron.

What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!

Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.

Dominic Pick-Up Lines

When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time

These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime

The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.

What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!

What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!

I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.

What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.

How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.

Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.

"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous

Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.

"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt

“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam

What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.

"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."

My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)