I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
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