"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers

Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!

If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?

What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...

The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing

What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.

How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.

What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!

What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!

An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.

What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.

What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.

The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”

- Jeff Foxworthy.

A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

You're my missing ingredient.

Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.

Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!

You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.

A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"

My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!

Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.

I need to stop being such a numbskull.

Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.

Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.

How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.

Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.

A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"

Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”

If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.

I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.

“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx

"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin

What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.

Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.

What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs