I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
We've reached the point of snow return.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
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