I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
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