“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
Up to snow good.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
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