The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
You and I could totally melt my igloo.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
I wood never leaf you.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Go to BabaMail
