What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
I bet you’re really flexible.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
I want you more than I want world peace.
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
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