Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.

Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.

Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.

Dear Dog

You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose

“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White

I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.

You're so pharma-cute-ical!

Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?

Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.

How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.

Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.

What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"

You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!

What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.

What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.

Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.

Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side

Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.

“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”

Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.

What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.

Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

You make me want to Twist and Shout

What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.

What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!

"Say you'll be wine."

What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.

Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!

Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.

There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.

What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!

I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.

What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.

Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.

Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.

What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.

Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.

In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.

How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.

How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.

I want to stick to you like glucose.