Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
Deja brew all over again.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Nice pumpkins!
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
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