What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
Snow thank you.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
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