Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Look for a rainbow connection.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
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