Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
Hey girl, my gold medal might be shiny but it looks like a dull penny compared to that sparkle in your eyes
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Is there an airport nearby? Or is that just my heart taking off?
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
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