What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
You can put your hands at my heart’s center.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
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