What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
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