Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
I think we're mint to be!
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
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