I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
What does a house wear?
Address.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
"I lava you."
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
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