I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
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