When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Fairies just spell trouble.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
I think I found my perfect match
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
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