Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
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