Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
Rebel without a Claus.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
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