My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
We are mint to be.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
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