“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Trowel and error.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
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