“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
I want to stick to you like glucose.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
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