Octopus ocular optics.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
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