I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
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