Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
You're like fireworks: smokin' hot, fun, and radiant.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
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