I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
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