What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
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