“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
I've taken up online yoga since the COVID-19 outbreak started.
It helps me namaste at home.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Yule be sorry.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
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