“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
I think my heart just lagged.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
You’re my pot of gold.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
"Rosé all day."
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
So … do you run here often?
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
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