There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
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