What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
Snow thank you.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
The snuggle is real.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
You’re more special than relativity.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
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