Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
I'm at my best during overtime.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
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