Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
"I don't tan. I burn"
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
You're acute Valentine.
"No wine left behind."
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
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