There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
Owl always love you.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
You're just my cup of tea!
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
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