How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
You can put your hands at my heart’s center.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
My pants might be in the wrong place but my heart is always in the right place.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
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