Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
When I log my run in my journal today, it will say I ran with my future wife today.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
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