What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
I love when you coddle me.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Drowning doesn't seem too bad if you would give me mouth-to-mouth.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
I think we need to become better strangers.
Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.
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