Icy what you did there.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call ‘FINE PRINT’!
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
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