“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
Snow on and snow forth.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
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