Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
You mermake me happy.
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
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