Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
Broken pencils are pointless.
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
I would love to show you first class.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Hold on for deer life.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
Life is brew-tiful!
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