Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
Want to be workout buddies?
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
This is snow laughing matter!
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
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