What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Air resistance is a real drag.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
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