They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
Treat yo'elf.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
Don't worry, bee happy!
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
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