The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Honestly, I really lilac you.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
I'm acorn-y person.
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
Can February march?
No, but April may.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
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