"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
Did you know you look good in short pants?
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
"I may be an outlaw, darling. But you're the one stealing my heart."
- Brad Pitt, Thelma, and Louise (1991)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
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