What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
If you and I were flowers, we’d have a budding romance.
The calm before the score
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
Call me miles because I want you to complete me every round.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
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