How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
I less than three you.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
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