Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
All stereos are so typical.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
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