“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"I make pour decisions."
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
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