Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.

I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.

English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.

If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.

Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.

The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.

An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'

I like you, you croc my world.

Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C

What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.

Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead

Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?

Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes

Wife: Who makes those rules?

Me: The Dad Poet Society

Wife: (Groan)

What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear

What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.

Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.

How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!

What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!

I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?

When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.

Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.

I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?

Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….

What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"

"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss

No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!

What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!

Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.

Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.

Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.

"Bury me next to a straight man."

I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.

When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"

‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.

Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous

Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".

“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth

Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D

hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.

Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie

What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.

"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?