Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
I beg your garden?
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
Who’s your paddy?
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
Believe in your elf.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Look for a rainbow connection.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
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