My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I beg your garden?
I really caribou-t you.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
Water you doing, my friend?
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
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