“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
I yam what I yam.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
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