What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
"It's not me, it's you!"
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
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