“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
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