What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
My pants might be in the wrong place but my heart is always in the right place.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
You must be one spicy dish because you're making my heart burn.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
Water you doing, my friend?
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
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