Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.

Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.

I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.

I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.

The goal nine yards

Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.

What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.

George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.

Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.

How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox

What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.

What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.

Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop

What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier

Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.

What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.

Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.

From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun

What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”

I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.

Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.

o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.

Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!

"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."

- Natasha Leggero

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”

What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.

Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.

Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

You're so clover!

How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!

There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.

What is a car’s favourite colour?

Racing car green.

What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.

What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!