What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
I’m feelin’ pine.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
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