Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
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