Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
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