Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
Snow on and snow forth.
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
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