What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
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